Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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