She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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