this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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