nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize