We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
