my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
