whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
