yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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