He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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