wrigley field is MILF paradise
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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