why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize