dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
