Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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