You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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