you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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