i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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