Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
