I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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