I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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