hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
