Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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