we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I pour the whiskey from now on
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My feet surprised me
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