At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
