if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
