Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dignity is for republicans.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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