every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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