i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
