Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
