The maid of honor just puked.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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