lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize