the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
