I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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