I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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