overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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