I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
