I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
