Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
