I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
