I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
