Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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