About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
