and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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