dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
