We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
