oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
