I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
