Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
