My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
