i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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