you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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