The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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