You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
