I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
