we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
