I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize