this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
