Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
