you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
