In the future we'll all be gay
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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